so with salmon and rice milk in hand, I sit down to yet another productive evening's end...

my dad just laughed when I told him if I ran out of money in the UK, I would still be able to come home because of my rail pass - I just wouldn't be able to eat. ha! what a father. he's been good lately, the old sod.

loving is scary. i will just say that. over and over. love is scary. scary.
i feel like i am about to give birth, the plethora (ugh, that sounds too much like 'placenta') amount of questions running through my mind -- when will our first fight be, will we yell, will i act childish, is he annoyed by my robot imitations, will his mom like me, will my dad ever drive his lazy arse up here to meet him, when will the age issue come up again, will it be a point of breaking, what happens if we break up, how the heck has it only been three weeks? do people actually stay together? is it possible to work almost anything out?

i find it maddening how you have to expect things like fights, and yet when they come you never feel prepared.

fish skin is really, really unappetizing.

even with the usual amount of excessive introspection, i don't actually feel concerned. or worried, obsessed, etc. just a twinge of excitement and that gosh darn it's finally my turn type thing.

anyway! so, yes, frick, england, omg.
right now with this research i'm doing i get to watch little kids play all day long. it is absolutely invigorating. i almost considered being a preschool teacher to-day until i realised i would probably get sick of it after it all began repeating at the end of the year...but it's still a nice thought. there are a bunch of different type of therapists (play therapist, music therapist, occupational therapist, etc) at the site [it's a non-profit preschool] and john, the researcher i'm helping out, is hopefully going to set me up with an interview or if it was at all [oh em gee so freaking cool if it were] possible to job shadow them...very exciting, hopefully will get some more experiences out of it, although my boss did warn john (apparently they know eachother well) that he's not allowed to take me away from my current job even though it is 90% stuffing envelopes :(

ah. i almost finished an R&R to-day - i know, ancient, right? - but i only got to the outline...i'm hoping soon to get it out. i feel like it ought to be 8207237x better than the past ones, being that it's been way over a year now, and maybe it's that intimidation that's slowing me down...

i think lucy [catzar] knows how to make scarily saddening cat-in-pain-and/or-danger type noises and uses them just to lure me into her den [read: living room], because she keeps making them but when i find her nothing is wrong and she is purring with her beaniebaby-cat-toy in her mouth. strange devil she is.

um, also wrote a story that i actually prefer en francais versus anglais, but  phillip, your incredible storywriting skills make me ashamed of mine, buddy! you are so frickin' awesome. and with that, do you have an LJ? i feel like i remember you posting about getting one for the ease of it some time ago, and then we never added eachother if you did...hmm.

ciao mates

p.s. i did this rad scottish accent while wandering lost downtown this morning looking for my bus. anyone but anyone from the UK or who has ever heard anyone actually scottish (ie probably a good 60% of the southern U.S. states maybe people living in the arctic) would have believed it.

Current Mood: satisfied

i am going to britain this fall. it is going to be especically fun. i am excited. i am excited in a yes, i get to see good, old friends and ride fun trains and not in a romanticy omg britain my heart is wit u 4ever lol.  it is an excitement that makes the rest of the summer better, and the part when i come back better, and the part where i'm supposed to save money...well, that never gets easier.

i've been helping an edpsy guy out with some research at a preschool and it is the most incredibly fortuitous thing that has happened to me regarding academics in a long, long freaking time. unfortunately it's making my summer a little hectic, but i'm willing to sacrifice schedule mix-ups and a little bit of crazy for such an opportunity. whee networking.

other than that, i feel really good about where i am. this may be due to slight overflow elation from kissing a boy last night who, while i  continually remind myself that i have the absolute worst skewed perceptions of men in the world, i am still thinking, this could be it. and! even with the partial elation, i'm satisfied with where things are going. thoroughly satisfied.

i'm terrified of moving, and it makes me want to throw away everything i own except clothes. clothes are very, very easy to move. and they squish. cellos and giant wooden desks do not.

i get to take a writing class this fall. i don't care if it's full of stupid kids and bad teachers and puffed up pseudowriters. i'll be happy to have a structured outlet. i want to go biking. camping. running.  summer is so nice when it's not sweltering.

...OMG BRITAIN

p.s. if you want postcards etc, send me your addys via e-mail, please. you guys know i am a letter writer and i will have so much frigglin' train time...

Current Mood: giddy

guess what i'm done
writing your songs
the ending got twisted around but
for all of the hell that it took
the electrical wires
are hung on the walls
in the room that i rent now

i'm growing out my underarm hair. it's weird. and soft! so are my legs! i wish i were able to shave my head, but no way in heck that's ever gonna happen with how much self-esteem is attached to those little ringlets.

i planned out (obsessively, repeatedly, on 837627 sheets of paper) my schedule through next spring, and i may actually get done in three years...though rather unintentionally. hopefully i can do next summer/fall in australia or europe?

what else is going on? i deleted my okc account, will never have faith again in therapists who look like past gynecologists, and other than one small inconsistency that has yet to work itself out (see sophomore year, junior year, lots of dashboard confessional, an incredibly stupid drawing of the grim reaper that's still on his dresser; add 2.5 years and 300 miles), i am attempting to quit serial-dating (it's like quitting smoking).

i'm interested in the consistency of personality/behavior across time.  personality is at least somewhat genetic, which makes sense and i think allows for a greater appreciation of genetic diversity etc. bullshit (we are not 'bad' if we are hasty in making decisions or never seeking excitement, just different) and also more ground for showing that people can be compatible across their differences...if not, it wouldn't make any sense for people to be so drastically different in some of their basic traits.  i think traits have been shown to stabilize at a general age...can't remember, somewhere inbetween 20-30 sounds right, and that makes sense. also, people are shown to gain more of certain traits with time - conscientiousness, responsibleness, agreeableness with others, etc etc, and this follows since people generally gain more responsibility as they age [with variation, of course].

um, right, what am i trying to say here... i guess evidence that personalities don't change drastically. mine included! even with gains in other things...maturity, however you want to define that - maybe 'experience' is just a better word, that changes who you are without any judgement like the word 'maturity' does - you still maintain some traits. i will probably be a whiney complainer til the day i die. i think i'm cool with this.

however, do people gain conscientiousness /after/ they receive the milestones [i.e. responsible for another person (having a child/taking care of a relative), being in charge of some sort of community thing..etc] - that is, are these new responsibilities the cause of the change in personality, or do people gain these new responsibilities only after they have already changed - either by intentional (i.e. society doesn't give leadership positions to 12 year olds), biological (can't have a child 'til you menstruate, 13/17 yrs? btw, this age has been going down drastically recently. like, menstruation used to start at 17ish, and now it's down to 13ish! whatev yo, who changed that? i would've enjoyed those extra four years..), or just..social norms? most likely it's a combination of everybody and their grandmother. combinations and multi-variable stuff always seem much more plausible explanations than "well, a-->b and that's it!"

so. taking intro to counseling psych this summer, praying to god and persephone (i wrote a poem about her once) and whoever else that i enjoy the living frick out of it. i have fridays off from class this summer and the thought of spending the entire day at the beach studying with intermittent naps is totally worth it.

aight foo'[s]. catcha.

p.s. TEENAGE ANGST = BIG FAT MYTH. same with midlife crises. at least, across time [meaning there is no defined point at which people experience stuff]- people are always going to experience life-changing events regardless (does that make my behavior more valid or less? is it possible to qualitatively judge from an objective perspective?) also, i'm grinning that life satisfaction is generally the same over time (and i hope we all know over income, too). although someone did point out that old people who are sad might just die...and only the happy ones live, thus giving a false perception!

p.p.s. i'm real sorry i ignored you for animal crossing. the game isn't even that cool. i'd give anything for that time back, but hindsight is always 20/20, yeah?

Current Mood: wtf

[22:14] Im1of theN0B0DYS: well lets see i didnt see you for this entire last weekend i got to see you once and then now again i havent ee you for the past two day and ur fuckin jimmy bf motherfucker will be there soon and then ill never get to see you and on top of that youve seemed diffrent lately
[22:14] Im1of theN0B0DYS: like you done want to see me and that you realy dont want to be with me
[22:14] Askefise: ryan, you are inferring and making SO much up in your head
[22:14] Askefise: you didn't see the entire last weekend because YOU were gone
[22:15] Im1of theN0B0DYS: yeah
[22:15] Askefise: and you saw me yesterday, in the morning. that counts.
[22:15] Askefise: also, where did 'fucking jimmy motherfucker' come from? that's real mature
[22:15] Askefise: and don't go on about how you'll never get to see me after that
[22:15] Askefise: if it is that way, it will be your own choice

aha. oh yeah. it certainly will be your choice, won't it, ryan?

i'm glad i can find a little humor in this stuff.

[04:30] Im1of theN0B0DYS: this will only lead to more pain but i love her so tell her see her soon then i guess if that what she wants
[04:31] Im1of theN0B0DYS: and she better not be comming just cause i cut the shit outta my leg anyone who was human should do that for some1
[04:31] Im1of theN0B0DYS: she better have a good reason for being here
[04:32] Askefise: be outside
[04:32] Askefise: she says
[04:32] Im1of theN0B0DYS: y?
[04:32] Askefise: so she doens'th ave to knock
[04:33] Im1of theN0B0DYS: the door is still open there both in bed
[04:33] Askefise: be waiting
[04:33] Im1of theN0B0DYS: i go in and out all the time
[04:33] Askefise: she doesn't want to just walk in
[04:33] Askefise: she left
[04:34] Im1of theN0B0DYS: whatever
[04:34] Im1of theN0B0DYS: i dont see y she does  this
[04:34] Askefise: because she loves you
[04:34] Im1of theN0B0DYS: i mean honestly is it that hard to NOT FUCK SOMEONE?!?!?!?
[04:34] Im1of theN0B0DYS: NO
[04:35] Im1of theN0B0DYS: if she loved me ther wouldnt be a problem
[04:35] Im1of theN0B0DYS: i give up no1 understads love anymore no1 will ever get me
[04:35] Im1of theN0B0DYS: what ever
[04:35] Im1of theN0B0DYS: bye amanda
[04:35] Askefise: bye ryan

man oh man. ohhh man. i miss you amanda. yeah, i'll give you that. who understands love, anyway? hard enough time just goddamn defining it. also, the question 'is it that hard to not fuck someone?' seems to be a recurring theme in my life..haha. i don't remember what i did that night. did i leave you bleeding? did i bring you back to my house? i cant remember the first time i talked about jimmy to you. did that have anything to do with why you kept making out with other girls or boys or...lord knows that could've been just because you're probably entirely homosexual. one only needs look at those awful feminine poses. <3

i lost my wallet somewhere in the couch-cushions (of life) and i can't be bothered to look for it any longer. sometimes seems easier to just get replacements for everything inside.

ben kweller, i love you! reminds me a little of ben lee. even though most of his songs sound the same, they are all equally good..and poppy make you want to get up and do..stuff. yeahh. stuff.

i started therapy a few weeks ago. i'm thinking about canceling my session this week because the lady reminds me of this nasty mean (ok, maybe a little exagerrated) gynecologist i had once and she's old. and wears ugly sweaters. [insert excuse here]. sometimes i'd like to just live it out and forego any sort of 'fix', anyway. i think i have all the right ideas; i just need time.

--
i wait, yeah i wait, for somethin' good, for somethin' great
stoppin' in somebody's old home town
gotta get that midnight meal
if you can't get behind your own life, get behind the drivin' wheel
and go!
just go!
find a place that you don't know

he's in the yard just a-washin' his car
thinkin' bout his pretty wife
makin' lemonade with the kitchen aid
makin' him a perfect life
and it's grim, so dim
when you wish that you were just like him

--

a lot of things are over, transitioning. maybe it's good to let go, to finally cut those kite strings and ..whatever the fuck metaphor you want to finish that with. sometimes i wonder why i attempt discreteness until i remember that awful post about amanda and i give myself a little grin. but honestly? who knows.
i found myself checking ring fingers at the children's museum with my sister/nephew yesterday. at first i thought maybe it was the stability, but i'm not sure that's really any different. i think it's more a matter of priority. i don't want to be close - friends or otherwise - with someone like my dad. a heck of a lot of things can be worked out, but the way you layer them? maybe not. maybe there's just a point where you cut your losses. gaar and i are certainly at that point. we had a lot of good years together as friends and it's no good holding bitterness against him for this fhecking long. maybe there's just a point where you let it slide. and honestly, j, and j again, if either of you would think i'm being overdramatic, i could give a fuck less. i do not consider myself a drama-seeker, no, but i get sick of just responding nonchalantly to everything. sometimes that just gets you nowhere. and sometimes that's good. but i'm not really in the mood to be going nowhere.

( and when you sleep at night i'll kiss you right between your eye-uh-eyes )

i'm hoping to get into this resident resource assistant position at a huge homeless shelter community place downtown soon. the volunteer experience would be incredible and i'd love to work with some of the people in that organization.

ok, kweller. let's go.

Current Mood: indifferent

oh em eff fscking gee: http://iconoclasm.insanejournal.com/22425.html#cutid1

"it'd be crazy not to have a way to remember something like this (or anything important), I think".

huh. apparently? how strange, though. i wonder whether being able to reflect on things like this that would otherwise be forgotten without writing is important.  and, sex. before sex. yeah, reminiscing over old IJ shit makes me super nostalgic. but it's interesting.
not just how much i've grown/changed[?], but everyone else, too. i think the change in dialogue alone is fascinating. but beyond that...
i wonder if there's a turning point. i read something from what, frosh/soph year about "having a bit of a tumble" and crying my face off; is anything different now? is that supposed to mean something? that's almost three/four years ago.
i don't know that i believe in the ..de-beautification, or whatever you'd call it..of acts like sex. in that, the more you enact them the less special they get. i don't know that i believe in that at all. but i certainly know feeling accustomed to something, and all that nervousness and conscious thought/effort flowing out the window with the 20-mark breeze.  experiencing something for the first time is so...different. important to maintain? i don't know. hn. um, okay. interwebs eat my brains arrrrrr.

Current Mood: nostalgic

remember when waking up to find someone you love had left you a message on MSN was the greatest thing?

i was reading through some old (and i mean old) posts and came across one from when my father was dating kathy.  she had two kids, a daughter who was maybe in 5th grade and a son who was two years younger than me, i think - he would've been just going into highschool when i was a sophomore or junior.  i think i would've liked having siblings, despite the huge religious gap between us as well as the other small differences due to being raised by completely different single parents.  her daughter wasn't the most easily liked person, but i got along so well with her son - we were close enough in age, and even though we had opposite choices in certain areas of our lives, we just...clicked. i think family, by whatever way you want to inclusively define its members, is so important and sometimes undervalued in western culture. the idea of community, of people you rely on and vice versa aside from necessity and conveinence, but just because of the relationship itself.  something permanent, something unconditional. not necessarily blood based; in fact, blood doesn't really guarantee anything (and that i think makes sense to most people). oh, i understand change, and i understand flexibility and adaptability and etc etc but it's all relative to our culture - the fact that we are now able to travel distances and separate ourselves from communities we previously were unable to do. yes, there's an array of different communications that allow people to maintain different types of relationships over these distances, but it is still something different. another innovation, another problem, another solution/innovation, another problem..
i don't believe any of this is wrong; i don't believe there is a "right" way to do things. i'm just curious what else is out there.

march? march. two feet of snow mountain-tops on the corners of the sidewalk. i want spring so i can wear my overpriced polka-dot dress and take lucy to the park.

kyah. /out.

sweet sweet sweet sweet
little agony

Current Mood: , little tired

i decided to do this thing where everytime i feel sad about him i add a page to this book that i will eventually box up and/or burn and GOOD GOD IT IS NOT HELPING.

plz interwebs/college, blow up/contract a terminal illness
so we can all be shipped off to somewhere cold and icy
and live happily ever after in igloos with tissue paper flowers in our windowsills.

if i could write real music i would write a good angsty song about love and it would sound suspiciously like a mix between mls' i love you like gala and colin hay's i just dont think i'll ever get over you + i hate the interwebs, let's go back to telegrams and horse buggys. the end

edit: i crack myself up, i do

i don't see the purpose of all this grading nonsense. i really, really don't. phillip, you astonish me with how you get through it, unless australia is magically better.

i have a paper due, and i can't bring myself to do it (not only because i am lazy, though i am, but mostly because the questions are ridiculous).  i just don't feel the need to be validated by someone else - to have someone else tell me / judge that i am able to think critically about a subject, or "tease out the social and political implications of these works". i just don't give one tiny damn bit.
so...i think i'm going to withdraw from the class, because we get one withdraw that doesn't show up on our transcripts. the only grades in the classes are these essays, and there are three of them.  i know i should do the first and see my grade before i decide to withdraw, but - seven pages on a topic i can't even come up with an outline for? this better get more useful and fulfilling fast, or i don't know how i'm going to make it through seven more years of this. maybe i'm just not cut out for school? anyone? enh? i'm sick of this all feeling like such bullshit : /

fuck. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckasgalsghegaiaghelashgha/hina/bknal/n .

you're making something out of nothing
and jealousy's the cousin
the cousin of dreams

angsty teen, angsty teen, hate dale for forcing me into college.  there was a 5-year student who i worked with @ the custodian job who was graduating finally (he hoped) in cultural studies. ok. maybe if i drop this class i will feel better about everything. LAME. there are some really awesome schools i'd love to transfer to. is it too late? one example.  another 
i want to stay in school, because while yes, i know most everyone dislikes ishmael, "You have your life to put together, and if schooling fits into what you want to do, it really doesn’t matter how horribly the schools are run. For example, if you want to be a lawyer or a social worker or a chemical engineer, you’re going to have to get the relevant degrees no matter how much you might despise the schools that award them."
but i don't want to stay in a school like this, unless it gets better. right now it is utterly DRAINING ME OF LIFE.

 i think this article is a great example of what i'm talking about. if you read nothing else, at least look over this.

"...in the syllabus these like minded `profs' declare war on tardy students. Attendance is used as a rapier in the battle with those who let life interfere with the Herculean tasks at hand."

shit. if i'm gonna waste this much money on school i think it may be worth it to have wasted a year in switching to somewhere i actually enjoy.
conversely, after dropping this class + a full night's sleep i may feel much better about the future.

but just remember that what's right for me
might be not right for you

i remember a long time ago i cut my hair when ryan and i got in a fight. that was pretty sad stuff. he laughed at me and told me it looked bad, and we went rollerblading in the dark along bumpy alleys. we used to rollerblade a lot together. i miss him.

i have to see a dentist really soon. i'm seriously afraid my teeth are going to fall out. what if i need surgery? whineee.

it's really hard to pull away from things with the finality required to do it properly. ok, maybe i'm being a little melodramatic.

sometimes i want to reminisce more. je me demande si c'est sain. peut-être c'est juste que nos culture ne trait pas de façon appropriée. c'est stupide, je pense, mais c'est probablemment immuable.  pensez-vous que mon français est mieux que avant?  j'espere que c'est vrai. j'ai besoin de ça...
je veux que tous les choses seront simples, mais je sais que ce n'est pas possible. Encore...

the motion keeps my heart turning

Current Mood: okay

sometimes i wonder whether it's all just big trickery smoothed over with vanilla frosting and dappled with heart-shaped sprinkles for added distraction.

on the other hand, even if it's true we'll always have kundera (the unbearable lightness of being) for consolation:

"What's the matter?" he asked.
"Nothing."
"What do you want me to do for you?"
"I want you to be old. Ten years older. Twenty years older!"
What she meant was: I want you to be weak. As weak as I am.

i'm repeatedly amazed by his ability to capture the utter essence of people.

i have three canker sores, one which is akin to a giant gash across the inside of my gum/tongue spanning FOUR teeth. no, fuck "akin" - that's what it is. i can't even eat.

for the magical v-day i:  baked 96 cookies for my psychology class
                                          handed out 12 random valentines' cards with
                                          [hopefully] kindness-inspiring phrases
                                          saw the vagina monologues ( = amazing)

make the world you wanna see, feel these thoughts you cannot believe
this life will come through if you don't let it get to you

hey! i miss final fantasy VIII and fmvs with sappy music. and highschool. oh, popsicles. sometimes i do. i wonder if things ever stop accumulating. wonder wonder wonder wall. i guess  i need to stop saying i guess.  i lose faith in myself sometimes and that scares me. that's a problem with basing everything off of yourself; if i'm lost with what i'm trying to do myself, i don't have a list of commandments or crazy dead scifi author to help pull me through. or, i could just start getting eight hours of sleep a night. that might do some good for the mental constitution. sure did always help that girl in princess maker 2 stay from the path of evil and prostitution...

Current Mood: restless

this morning it was snowing immensely and that reminded me of snow days. i checked the metrotransit website incase something like half a foot of snow would make the trains stop (?) but unfortunately, other people actually have things they want to get to.
i skipped 1/2 of my classes anyway.

i started cello lessons with a crazy bulgarian man.  in april i am throwing a recital at my birthday party.

other than the fact that i'm pretty sure my b.a. in psych will relate only .0025 centimeters to my psychology-career/life goals, i'm satisfied with how things are playing out.  sometimes the thought of grad schools and papers scares me into submission but then i remember the dissertation i copied at the lawlibrary on a composer that was 25 pages of footnotes and bad grammar.

lucifer (lucy) jim is doing very well:



even though we never get things right
and it gets so old to say we'll keep trying
when future is now and past is past
nothing is shadow or fog or nothing
                     so that i see everything

Current Mood: content

i forgot how beautiful people can be

i'm visiting home ["home"?] next weekend. it's strange now that i actually live in my once-was vacation spot; i'm not sure where to go when i need a break. i guess free food makes it the best choice right now.

any one want to support my college education through the summer? i just found out the school won't offer me any extra financial aid (loans, too) for the summer - what they give for the school year is it. c'est tout. how ludicrous! i'm a little bothered that it wasn't really made clear at the beginning of the school year when i might have done something about budgeting for that. no wonder so few people take summer classes.

i find the state of this country so ridiculous that it's almost settled me into a sort of inaction. honestly, the population is so accustomed to having little or no represenation in the government's decisions that i think we feel little pressure at them stepping all over our (or anyone else's) rights. maybe if they cross a big line (invade canada? enact limits on child-bearing?) we will actually get up and do something about it. i want it to happen; i want to see the power to be able to undo it. then again, i suppose worse things in the country happen all of the time without the majority blinking an eye. there are just too many of us and too many little crevices to hide in.

old classmates please drop all your pens
don't write a word 'cause i won't reply
and i'm not bitter, no - it's just
i've passed that point in my life

Current Mood: stressed

the movie made me sick. one part pale skinny scot boy (who nearly gets killed, beat up and black blue eye stuck shut) looks too much like jim, two parts violent gore, and a pinch of we went back to heated cars and thought "well, it's a good thing we live in america."

lately i've been musing over telling people i like thinking about thinking about dropping out of school. i think it's one of those times where it's so ridiculous it has to ring a little true. there is something else for me. had i even considered any of the alternatives? or maybe i'm just a (un)hopeless romantic.

my father and i talked on the phone yesterday. ten minutes of negotiating a winter jacket purchase and delivery and one minute of
"well, okay. let's keep this up. yep. yep. bye."
i found myself interrupting with questions about my mom's halloween decoration delivery.
"oh - yep. you told me about that already. yep. well, we'll talk later."
did i mention i aced my last french quiz?
"yep. oh, hey, that's great. i guess we'll talk next week, then."
i never thought i would want a phonecall to last longer than it had to. how strange. i miss my dogs enough to cry if i saw them again.

somebody want to vacation? i want somewhere cold and wet. preferably green. bonsoir.

Current Mood: uncomfortable

the cities are all other cities, masquerading as they are to be something else.
school is "fine" which is satisfying for the time being - i'm enjoying french immensely and anxious to get into psychology next semester (hopefully). any suggestions if psychology falls through? stay-at-home mom?

oh, otherwise:
things are progressing, drew and i have yet to slip arsenic into one another's tea, and the typical relationship cycles continue. it's amazing how much people can hold... the stuff you can't tell from first impressions, assumptions, and petty conversation.

i finally finished ( this poem ) that i'm pretty satisfied with. his anniversary (?) is coming up; i hope i can get a hold of amanda and/or greg and maybe slug them up here or sneak a ride back home. i, at least, will need it, i think.

aaand i'm out.

Current Mood: pensive

someone once told me regarding getting upset/acting childish (and if you have known me you will know what that means), "one day, you will pause and realise that you do not want to be like that anymore. and then you will stop."
okay, so maybe those weren't the exact words and i don't believe it will be quite so clean of break, but honestly?
i feel like i'm there.
i got to be in the opposite position of such situations several times recently, and it's strange to view the other perspective.
and i don't want to be like that any more.

i am not big into cheese, but i would like to thank everyone who has helped me learn everything over the past few years.
though i probably hated it at the time, i'm glad i went through everything and i feel i have grown immensely (even if it is latent, and slow to show).
i hope that in the future you all will be proud to say you have known me.

oh. and after six years of searching, i've finally found a hat that suits me (see icon).

Current Mood: excited

milan kundera's the joke:

She laughed, touched her glass to mine, and said, "I've always yearned for a man who was...simple and direct. Unaffected. Straightforward."
We took a swig and I said, "There aren't many like that."
"But they do exist," said Helena. "You're one."
"I wouldn't say that," I said.
"You are."
Once more I was amazed by the incredible human capacity for transforming reality into a likeness of desires or ideals, but I was quick to accept Helena's interpretation of my personality.
"Who knows? Perhaps," I said. "Simple and straightforward. But what does simple and straightforward mean? It means being what you are, wanting what you want and going after it without a sense of shame. People are slave to rules. Someone tells them to be this or that, and they try so hard that to the day they die they have no idea who they were and who they are. They are nobody and they are nothing. First and foremost a man must have the courage to be himself."

john, if you are kundera in disguise, i am kidnapping your ass. what the fuck? simple and direct. you bet, baby, you bet. i think i feel a little better about it.

i am moving in TWO WEEKS. what an excitement! what fun! i need a shower curtain.
i have a new telephone number; i will be trying to let everyone know it but if i miss you let me know.

but sometimes
i get the feeling that i'm
stranded in the wrong time
where love is just a lyric in a children's rhyme, a soundbite

Current Mood: happy

i bought a guitar
the flirting salesman felt better than the money

simple.
i can't get the word out of my head;
"simply wash the exterior of the machine with a damp cloth"
simple; simple in the head?
direct is nicer, it's easier, softer, but it's a little watered down
and the first word always sticks,
anyway
it hurt. like james (i miss him), but a little less because it was not
i do not like you it was just
i do not want to date you and i can accept that

i'm sorry. for everything. to everyone.
kelsey and bow are amazing. comfort from two people who love eachother and can yet share that affection with you...
it's like parents, i guess, though i can't remember that feeling from my own.

why am i Most Likely to Become President - i won the brainy title, too - but only "cute" and "pretty" to everyone else?
am i too fast?
maybe i should open my mouth and shut my legs
sawyer said once to me that a large percentage of the boys at school find me ugly.
they couldn't fathom why he was with me.
i liked that; i know why he was. to feel that overwhelming desire for someone's mind...

i am childish. child child child. i am so sick of hearing it. why aren't i allowed to cry and hyperventilate and become uncontrollable when my car has been crashed, my plans skewed, and...things have not been great for me in a while. i am trying to adjust, and then something little pushes me out of place again. i think i am trying; maybe i am being too easy on myself?

it's not impossible. i know that i can begin a healthy relationship. i may have only done it once in the past year, but i have done it, i know how it ought be done, i just keep striking the most inopportune moments to meet people. i wish they would have more - faith? - in me.
i have a brain, i do. i am not just soft skin and pretty ringlets.
i don't mean to discount my amazing friends who appreciate those non-physical aspects of me. i cannot express how much it does for me to know that you are there for me.
i am only curious as to why a large percentage of the people i pursue either never reach that point with me or completely look past it..
and maybe i am exaggerating; in fact, i am sure of it but i would like to this once.

okay. let's pick up and go again. i know i will get it right eventually. without medication or "growing up".

p.s. my car is in the hospital in critical condition. damn motorcyclists.
lewis:
i feel like we're connected through our mood swings. damn, kid.

Current Mood: thoughtful